How Do I Live
by AJOregon
Summary: Drew's past meets his present. His backstory...I suck at summaries but I promise I am better writing the stories!
1. Chapter 1

How Do I Live

I did not know how I could make it in the Army...I loved it but I knew if my secret ever came out I was as good as dead. I was always the flirt...growing up...high school...college...I did it because it was what everyone else did. I did not realize until halfway through my undergrad program that I was maybe gay. I tried to deny it but it just made me miserable. In ROTC the guys would laugh and joke and call each other fags or gay and I knew if my secret were to slip my life would become a living hell.

I could count on one hand the number of people I had told...I tried to tell my Dad and he slammed the door on my face and told me to not to call until I had a fiancé...someone to become my wife. It has been a decade since I had heard from them. My roommate in college, Kaitlyn, was one of the only people I could ever talk to about it...she was in the same boat as me. We would accompany each other to any formal functions where dates were needed and we spent a great deal of time hiding the fact that we were both in fact gay.

She killed herself two weeks after graduating from her masters program to become a psychologist. She had gone home for a short trip to celebrate with family...and to tell her parents and sisters that she was a lesbian...I would have gone with her but she insisted on going during my Guard week...the one week a year that I am totally unreachable.

As we were pulling up to the base our commander gave us all back our phones. I had three text messages...all from her... "Why won't they love me?" "I miss you, I am sorry" and "Please forgive me." They were all sent the night before.

I managed to hold it together until I got into my car and then I lost it. Crying hysterically, punching the swearing wheel, I knew what I was going to find as soon as I got home. An empty bottle of sleeping pills next to a bottle of water, her neck wrapped with a leather belt tied to the rack in the closet... She fell asleep and slid down suffocating herself in the process. No mess...no pain...not physical pain at least.

I called the police and told them what I had found and they sent some rude inconsiderate jerk over...there was no letter...just the three texts I received. The officer did not need to why she did what she did...he would never care...and her family can go on blaming themselves.

At the funeral they introduced me as her boyfriend and were about as fake as you can be. It broke my heart to see that there was no love lost with Kaitlyn's death. That night when I went home I slept I her bed, hugging her pillow and cried myself to sleep. I had no one I could talk to...no one I trusted enough to understand her secret...my secret.

I enlisted the next morning and shipped out one week later. I still pay to keep that apartment as it was when she left this world...the last place she took a breath, the last place she shed a tear, the last place she felt love...the last place I felt loved.

I was wreckless, I didn't care if I lived or died. I had no one waiting for me at home, no one to talk to, no one to care. I hated myself, I hated that I was unlovable, that people couldn't know who I really was. Every time we went out on a mission I thought if I didn't make it back the world would be a better place. I did my best to save others...they had people who missed them at home... I only had Kaitlyn and there was only one place she would be waiting for me.

It changed when I met Rick. The first time I saw him I swear he saw right through me, my fake cocky attitude, my bragging about nonexistent girls at home...all of the Stories I told were about things I had done with Kaitlyn...I just changed the name...he started sitting with me at meal times and hanging back when I would.

He never did talk to me, he was just around always watching. About three weeks into our tour he came up behind me and whispered, "some day you will ask me to marry you". Our first kiss didn't come for another four months, we would only ever sneak off together about once a month and never for very long...no one could find out about us. I knew Rick didn't care who knew...he wrote home to his family and friends about us...he kept quiet for me. He always put me first. He was the second person in my life who loved me.

I never told him about Kaitlyn...I could never bring myself to say her name out loud even though I never went a minute without thinking of her. I kept all the photos of us, all of our memories in our old apartment. He never asked where I went when I would disappear when we were home on leave. We had our own apartment together...one that he paid for...he always said he knew med school was expensive and he had to have a house so it didn't matter if I paid or not.

When we were saying goodbye before his last deployment he wrapped me in a hug and told me that Kaitlyn was going to be with him and something was going to happen before we were going to see each other again. I broke down completely at the mention of her name and he pulled me to a dark corner and sat down and held me. He explained to me that she had been coming to him in his dreams and led him to me. She said that we were going to need each other and that I needed someone to love me. When I asked him why he never said anything before he simply told me that she asked him not to until she thought that I was ready to let people in.

I joined the fights to help when Rick was gone...that was where I met TC...who got me a job at the hospital and treated everyone like they were the annoying little brother. I finally found my family. I was still scared to death if anyone found out about me. I had to tell Krysta...and TC...the when the bus accident happened... I knew I couldn't hide it anymore. Standing in the hallways with everyone watching as I kissed Rick...I felt Kaitlyn with me for the first time since she died and for the first time I felt like maybe...just maybe I could be myself.

Authors Note

With all of the news around Robin Williams and suicide I am once again reminded of how short life can be. Depression is real. Suicide happens. Be there for your friends and family and even for strangers...you never know if your smile could save their life.

I have known too many people who have met their end with suicide, an uncle, friends, neighbors. I myself have attempted it in the past and have thought about it more times than I can count.

When I saw the episodes about Drew coming out it made me think of a close friend who took his own life and when I saw the news yesterday I knew it was time to write it.

Please leave feedback... And please if you or anyone you know is struggling reach out before it is too late.

AJ


	2. Chapter 2

After Rick had his leg amputated he hardly spoke to me...to anyone really. He told me he needed to give up his apartment and that he was moving to DC to do his rehab at the VA there. He told me it was paid for through the end of the month and to take what I wanted and the manager was going to sell the rest. He told me not to follow him and that he would find me if he was ever ready.

I left the hospital that night and went back to our apartment and packed up all of our clothes and personal items and took them back to my apartment. I knew what Rick and I had was real, but I didn't know if he would be able to love me like he did now that he is different. I only hoped he would at least keep in contact as friends. I couldn't lose the person who taught me to love myself.

I went into Kaitlyn's room and laid down on the bed and hugged her goofy rabbit stuffed animal to my chest...I prayed that I would feel her with me somehow. I hadn't felt this alone since the night she died and it was like I was losing her all over again. I thought of all the ways I could end my pain, end my loneliness. Wondered if anyone would even miss me when I was gone.

Hours...or minutes...I had no concept of time...I felt someone lay down behind me on the bed and wrap their arms around me. At first I thought it was Kaitlyn, she was the only person who would do that...I felt my tears start to flow from my eyes and soak into the pillow and into the rabbits ears and I felt myself gasping for breath. She pulled me away from the pillow and onto her and I felt her fingers gliding through my hair and I heard her heart beating, her chest rising and falling with each breath.

As I calmed myself down I slowly realized that it was not Kaitlyn that was holding me but that it was Krista and I started to cry all over again. I do not know how I didn't see it before...she was wearing her perfume, they were the same size...even their voices were the same. Releasing the rabbit from its hold I rolled around and laid my head on her chest. "How did you know where to find me?" I asked her with a gravely voice.

"TC said that Rick checked out today and tried calling you but it went straight to voicemail so I went by your apartment to see how you were doing but you weren't there...so I went home and started getting ready for bed...but before I fell asleep or in a dream...or something...anyway, I heard the address...and how to get in and where I would find you...and what to do when I did find you...and now here we are..." She rambled, Kaitlyn... I missed her so much it hurt. "Where exactly are we anyway? It's kinda far from work and this room has entirely too much pink to be yours." She asked me, I noticed she was still gently scratching my back the same way that Kaitlyn always used to.

"This is my apartment...this is her room...Kaitlyn...this is her room."

"She is the one all your stupid stories have been about?". Of course she had figured that part out too... I nodded. "How did she die?"

"She killed herself..."

"She knew you well." She whispered as she leaned her head against mine. "You aren't alone anymore Drew."

"I was thinking about doing the same thing tonight before you got here." I told her.

"I know." She whispered wrapping me in a tighter hug. "It isn't your time get though."

"Rick is gone."

"Rick is not the only person who loves you." She whispered as she kissed my temple. I felt the tears slip down my cheek and onto her shirt. "Where you going to do it in that closet too?" She asked me a few minutes later.

I snapped my head up and looked into her eyes, how did she know? "She is here Drew. I can't see her but I can hear her. She said you never found her note...she left it in the box of secrets...what the heck is a box of secrets?"

I got up and ran into the closet and reached up onto the old shoe box on the top shelf. Underneath a photo of the two of us that was taken the day we first met was a folded up note. I felt myself start to shake and I handed it to Krista as I sank down onto the floor in the last spot Kaitlyn sat.

Krista opened the letter slowly and looked to me then sat down next to me, "Darling Andy, My favorite cowboy doll, so brave and so strong. I am so sorry. Please know that you were my one bright light, my shooting star. I love you to the moon and back and will never leave your side. You are the only person who has ever known the real me and I will forever be grateful for the time we shared. I cannot keep living a lie though and do not know of another way. I can never live without you and I know you will find love and friendship if you are not burdened with my secrets anymore. Please trust me and know that I will never leave you."

"You did leave me...can't you see? Everyone always leaves me..." I said as I crumbled and lost it.

"You need to get out of her room now." I heard Krista tell me as she lifted me up and carried me into my room, I felt Kaitlyn helping and knew that she did too. As soon as we were in my bedroom, in my bed I felt like I could breathe again and I no longer felt Kaitlyn and I was beyond exhausted. "Sleep now Andy. You are safe here." I heard Krista whisper as I drifted into oblivion.


	3. Chapter 3

Drew was very reserved at work all shift and I frequently found him checking his phone. I hated that Rick left him, though it did not surprise me. His struggle with his own self image losing his leg had pushed him into a deep depression. Drew had told me he had felt distant since he woke up from the surgery and a part if me was grateful he was going to do his rehab at the VA...even though it was in Virginia. At least that was he could get the mental health support and be around others who were in similar physical states.

I was glad that the shift was pretty busy and didn't allow for much down time. Busy is always better. I knew of all things Drew wanted to keep his private life and work life separate. When shift ended he was waiting for my by my car. "I don't even know where you live and I am suppose to move in with you? Are you sure that is a good idea?"

"I live like five minutes from here and it is a better idea than you staying in that apartment clear across town."

He got into the car and I took us to my condo. My roommate had just moved out so it already had an empty room and to be honest I was excited Drew would be living with me...I just wish it was because he wanted to and not because his current living situation was mentally unbearable. I slowly walked him around the grounds and then up to the condo. He fell in love with it and I saw him smile for the first time today.

"You really sure you want me to move in here? Everything is clean and, well, clean. I am a mess..."

"Eh messy I can deal with as long as I know you are..."

"I'm not okay...not by a long shot Krista...everything...Rick leaving...since Kaitlyn...ugh...I can't even speak a coherent sentence right now."

"Stop freaking out and just trust me for five minutes. Your stuff is mostly boxed up anyway cuz you got it all from his place so we are going to go and get it and bring it over here. TC will be getting there in about an hour with a truck so shut up and let's go."

"I think you may be bossier than she was."

Three hours later we were unloading the last of his stuff from the truck. Jordan had come over with stuff for a barbecue. While the guys were outside on the deck discussing upcoming fights her and I had gone back in to set up his room. I wanted to make it as familiar as I could for him to help him adjust to the changes and I knew if it were up to him the stuff would stay in boxes forever.

Once I had all his clothes put away and organized Jordan grabbed another box and opened it up finding the box of Kaitlyn's things. "Ex girlfriend?" She asked grabbing a picture frame from the inside.

"Not quite." I answered. "She was his best friend..."

"Was? As in...?"

"As in she died."

"Oh God, when?"

"It was a while ago...before Rick...he doesn't like to talk about her." I answered hoping it would keep her from pestering Drew about it. I took the box from her and slid it under his bed for him to go through later.

"How could Rick just go and leave him...I am so mad at him and I barely know him."

"It isn't like he abandoned him...he went to get himself the help he needs and he knows that Drew needs more than he can give him now.". I left out the part about him not saying goodbye or that I was terrified he was going to end up like Kaitlyn if he stayed here.

"The Army sure knows how to fuck up perfectly good guys..." She said picking up the last box, personal stuff he had around his apartment. We picked through and grabbed out favorite things and put them on the side tables, dresser and hung a couple pictures on the wall.

Once I was satisfied I took one last look around and smiled, Jordan wrapped her arm around my shoulders, "You are an amazing friend Krysta. Drew is lucky to have you." She said walking back out to the deck.

The food smelled amazing and TC and Drew we're talking about the fights that were suppose to happen the next week. It was nice to see the two of them talking and smiling...the two of them were quite similar and I knew that TC saw himself in Drew Even though I was not quite sure what. I know Jordan saw it too but Drew had never let her in so she knew very little about him.

They left around nine as they were on the schedule for tonight. We had the night off and I was hoping for a quiet night watching movies and just hanging out. I made Drew clean up the cooking mess so he could familiarize himself with the kitchen...and because I wanted to be lazy. After a few minutes of the condo being silent other than the tv I got up to go find Drew. He was sitting on the floor in front of his bed staring at his hands.

I sat down next To him and rested my head on his shoulder. "You color coded my clothes."

I didn't say anything but smiled, "what did you tell Jordan about all of this?"

"Nothing...she knows Rick left and just said to take care of you."

"I don't want taken care of."

"I know..."

He looked at me with tears in his eyes, "Andy I know...you are going through too much and I am here for whatever you need but I'm not going to turn into some psycho stalker who asks every thirty seconds if you are okay cuz I already know you're not. I promise nothing will change at work, I will still cheer you on at the fights, when we are here it can be whatever you want...if you need anything just tell me...if you want to be alone tell me that too..."

"You call me Andy."

"Do you not want me to?"

"I like it...kaitlyn is the only one who has ever called me that...to my family it was always Andrew...Kaitlyn told me the first day she met me I was too serious so my name was going to be Andy to make me loosen up. After she died...and my family acted like I was never born...I just started saying my name was Drew...it was new I just...ugh...my life sucks."

"You want to watch a movie?"

"Sure." He said standing up and reaching for my hand. I put on my favorite movie, Men In Black and sat down and snuggled into the corner of the couch. He sat down in the middle and kicked his feet up onto the ottoman. After the movie was over I put in the second one...then the third. By the end of the last movie he had laid his head in my lap and had fallen asleep...though he kept saying he was just resting his eyes.

"Bed Andy." I said bucking my knees so he sat up. I got up and walked around the couch and reached over giving him a quick hug, "if you need to my bed is open." I went and got ready for bed and laid down to read for a bit.

I could hear him get ready and crawlninto his bed, it killed me to hear him crying on the other side of the wall. I put my book down and clicked off the light. I laid there silently praying for peace in his heart and for him to accept love again. I heard him shuffling around in his room and saw the light in his room shuth off and a few seconds later he came into my room, pausing at the door before walking to my bed and climbing in. He laid down with his back towards me. I rolled over and put my arm around him with my hand resting on his heart.

"Sleep now Andy."

"You are so much like she was." He whispered. I squeezed him a little tighter and rested my head against his back.

"Why do I feel like we are in an episode of Will and Grace?"

"Don't give up on me." He said rolling over. I could see the light from outside reflect on his eyes and tear stained face.

"Never." I whispered as I rolled over so my back was against his chest and I pulled his arm tight around me and I closed my eyes and fell asleep.


End file.
